I am a prisoner of hope

Hope.
    Disappointment.
        Joy.
            Loss.
                Faith.
                    Pain.
                        Love.
                            Life.
                                Death.

These are are the very real and very raw feelings I experience every day. How is one to keep expectation and hope alive in the midst of disappointment? How do we not let the pain of hope kill us while we stand firm and endure? How can a tender heart survive heartbreak after heartbreak and not just decide to remain in a place of being permanently shattered? Or sometimes it's not a shattered heart, but the agonizingly-slow process of the heart being continually denied the deep things it is longing for. What then?

While many around me have experienced their longing fulfilled, I remain in a place of waiting, hoping... And in fact, I've been here for a really LONG time. There are moments when I just want it to all be over, to pack up my bags and move on to a different season. I'm pretty sick and tired of this season! Being in a prison of hope is not exactly what any of us would call fun or comfortable... Many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I am so sorry you have to know. I wish you didn't. I wish none of us did.

However, I REFUSE to give up hope! I refuse to let go of the dreams God put in my heart. I cannot.  I am chained to this prison of hope. Even on the days when letting go of the dream seems like the far easier and more comfortable choice, it is just not possible because I did not come up with these dreams myself. They were God's idea; He tenderly crafted and placed each longing and desire into the deepest places of my heart. Giving up the dream of having a nice car or more expensive jewelry would be a piece of cake. But the longings that first found their origin in God's heart are forever a part of my heart now. 

After all, He thought up family. It was His idea! And I love that idea. He wanted a family of His own. God WANTED children. He wanted sons and daughters. He wanted a bride for His firstborn Son. To create a home where His sons and daughters could live forever in a loving relationship with Him was His beautiful plan. And those dreams are forever etched into my heart. And yours too. The longing and desire for a soul mate, a husband or wife to walk through the seasons of life together with is a GOOD desire! To yearn for children to love and nurture and pour your very heart into is a priceless yearning.

These are beautiful longings, because they are God's longings. 

Easter is right around the corner, as most of you know. To be uncomfortably honest, Easter isn't exactly my most favorite time of the year... Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for all that Jesus suffered on behalf of my sin and for all that He won on the cross for me! It's just that, in 2011 I found out the day after Easter that my precious child had died inside of me. Even though there had been a heartbeat just a few weeks before, there was no longer a heartbeat to be heard. And then in 2012, surrounded by my entire precious family, I passed the body of our second child on Good Friday. How appropriate right? Death once again became a very grave reality in my world.

"Death is swallowed up in victory! O death, where is your sting? O hell, where is your victory?" (1 Cor. 15:55) Oh friends, Jesus came to swallow death and the grave! He came to give us life! There is hope beyond the grave, there is an anchor to fix our souls, because He conquered sin and death and hell and He rose again victorious! He is stronger than death, and He has overcome! That is more than enough for us, friends. He is why we can keep on hoping...and He is why we know that one day we WILL receive the fulfillment of our longing. This song called "Stronger" can be our anthem...

And so now it is almost Easter 2013.  I have a different kind of pregnancy this year, not inside my womb but inside my heart. We don't know how long this pregnancy will take. A dear friend recently told me adoption could be compared to the gestation period of an elephant, which takes about 2 years. After I swallowed the thought of being compared to an elephant, this was a comforting analogy!

No matter how long it takes, I will keep hoping until ALL my children - biological and adopted - have safely arrived in my arms. 

"I Wished for You"

Most days I find healing and freedom in sharing from the depths of my heart's journey and helping shepherd the hearts of those I love through the ups and downs of life. Some days, however, I just want to kick back and watch a movie. You too? Ok good! Then today I'd like to invite you to have a look at a 6 minute and 30 second movie that moved my soul deeply and brought fresh tears to my eyes. I hope you like it as much as I do. Feel free to pop some popcorn while you sit back and enjoy the film... ;-)

 "I Like Adoption" 

Isn't that the most precious and moving thing you've ever seen?? Gosh it gets me every time... 

A few weeks ago Edgar and I went to an adoption conference in Houston hosted by Together For Them. It was a spectacular day that far exceeded our expectations. After all, if you've never been to an adoption conference, you're not quite sure what to expect... But in every way, we felt blessed, honored, further equipped and encouraged. It was also really fun to meet other families who have adopted from Uganda through Generations Adoptions! This was the one photo we remembered to take of the day:

At this conference, we purchased several children's story books about adoption. I thought we were buying them for our future children, but they touched my heart deeply and each one brought me to tears. My favorite book is called "I Wished for You". And oh how true that is. :)

We also have an exciting announcement to make: we are now right at 20% of our total adoption costs! Through friends and family and provision of Edgar's job, the Lord has already provided the first 1/5 of our total expenses. We are thrilled and thankful! In fact, it gets even cooler: this week we submitted our entire packet to the US government (the USCIS form, for those interested) and the cost for submitting this form is $890. Guess how much we had left in our adoption account...?? You guessed it. $890! The Lord's provision is so perfect and we are continuing to trust him for the next 4/5!

These next couple of days it will be my project to open an account with LifeSong for Orphans so that those who have asked about giving online via a credit card (for tax purposes in the US), here is where you will be able to go once we get the account set up. We hardly know what to say except thank you, thank you, from the bottom of our hearts...

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above 

all that we ask or think, 

according to the power that works in us, 

to Him be glory in the Church by Christ Jesus 

to ALL GENERATIONS, forever and ever. Amen!"

Ephesians 3:20-21

Dear Mama with the Unspeakable Void

Sometimes it seems we are profoundly unaware of the void that others carry around. Like a deep, aching well of sorrow and grief, this void is with them when they wake and when they sleep. It doesn't matter how it got there or how long its been there. It hurts. A lot. Whether the void is because of a failed marriage, betrayal, loss, death, or maybe a shattered dream or a longing not yet fulfilled, there is a grief carried inside so deep and so great that it is beyond human healing. And many of us have become masters at hiding this pain! We wear our mask to cover the tears and bury the pain so deep inside that it can even begin to feel numb... After all, life doesn't stop just because your heart is shattered. And so we move on from the painful event, coming away from it feeling somehow like less of a person...

To people who think this sounds mellow dramatic, who think that these hurting individuals need to just get up and get over their pain, get over themselves, and move on with a happy heart...can I please ask you to stop for just a moment? If you knew what it felt like, you would only have the deepest, most patient and tender compassion. You would weep with those who weep instead of pressing truth down on top of their wounds so that you only drive the thorn in deeper. Yes, truth is truth, and we serve a God who heals! who restores! who gives us beauty for ashes and mends the broken hearted. Praise God!! Our stories would be hopeless if not for Him. But the hurt must be healed supernaturally and the unspeakable void must be filled with the very person and presence of Jesus before the truth can penetrate and begin yielding life. Won't you instead be a safe place for this hurting person to open up their pain? Won't you help show them the way to the cross where the river of Blood flows and hearts are made whole? Won't you remind them again of the God of hope and restoration?

"Return to the stronghold, you prisoners of hope. Even today I declare that I will restore double to you." Zechariah 9:12

You see, I am one of those mamas with an unspeakable void in my heart. After I lost my first child, it felt like my heart had shattered into so many pieces it couldn't possibly be put back together again. But praise be to God, it did! Somehow my sweet Heavenly Father came and He gently and tenderly fashioned my heart back together, He found all the missing pieces and joined it back into one beating heart, and when I felt healed I realized my heart was even bigger than it had been! There was an extra piece that wasn't there before... My child, who had gone before me into the presence of the risen Lamb, was now a part of me. I will carry that child in my heart until the day I die when I will meet that child face to face. I saw Isaiah 61 spring to life within me.

And then it happened again... My second child left my body before I could ever look into her sweet eyes or hold her tiny hands. And on top of the raw, deep well of pain, on top of the agonizing grief of losing the child we had cried out to God for, many people said to me "don't worry, you'll get pregnant again!" or "don't worry, you're still young and have plenty of time for other children." Daily I had to forgive people, because they didn't know. They couldn't understand. These two children are priceless and irreplaceable! It's not like milk that goes bad and you just run out to the store to get another gallon. These are my children. Precious, priceless, and gone...

But not gone forever. No, my children are more alive than ever. That is one of the puzzle pieces of hope! My children live in a reality more real than the one I live in. We are here on this earth for only the blink of an eye, and then we will spend all of eternity in the Kingdom of Heaven. And my children are already there. (for those needing teaching/encouragement in this area, I've been reading "I'll Hold You In Heaven: Healing and Hope for the Parent Who Has Lost a Child" by Jack Hayford - a precious and powerful book!)

And so I press on, with a battle cry of Isaiah 54 and Psalm 34:8-10: "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; but those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing."

To any other woman out there with a void in your heart, whether you've lost a child or whether you're still longing for motherhood, I just want you to know a few things:

- You are not alone! Some days it feels like it... Some days it feels like nobody around you understands and you can hardly find the words to try and let somehow know how deep the pain and loss is. But you are not alone! A few weeks ago I read this blog, and atleast for me, hearing the stories of others who have walked a similar road brings a measure of comfort.

- Jesus really truly CAN heal your heart... He really can! I promise. I've seen it, several times before. It takes time, and it takes perseverance, but keep running to Him and pouring out your heart to Him. He won't invalidate your pain or belittle you or rush you. He will comfort you and bring supernatural healing to a place beyond human healing. And then, when the bleeding wound becomes a healed scar, you will be able to tell others what your God has done for you...

The Internationals

Sometimes when Edgar and I picture our family, in the present and in the future, we picture a miniature gathering of the United Nations... 

But you see, its not just that I am American, my husband is Dutch, we met in China, and we are adopting a little girl from Uganda, and that's all just the beginning of our family... It's also about the community around us, the people who've captured our hearts and walked with us every step of the way. We have many precious friends on nearly every continent around the world. Our blog has been viewed nearly 1400 times by people in many different countries across the globe. It humbles us deeply to know that we are loved and supported by a group of really awesome people, red and yellow, black and white! I have this picture of hands reaching out and linking arms and making a circle around the globe...

We don't really know where we're going from here. Up until this point, I couldn't have even dreamed up all that we've already walked through. There is so much about my story that doesn't make sense to my little human mind. But that's the beauty of this walk of life: it was always meant to be supernatural. But this I do know: the God who has authored every step of our journey up until now will continue to do so, and some of the sweetest love we'll ever receive from Him will come through YOU!

So thanks for joining hands with us, and letting us join hands with you. 

I just did something else I've never done before...

That's right ladies & gents, I just did something else I've never done before...! 

Edgar and I had our nearly 3-hr home study with Generations Adoptions! And it was wonderful. We felt like it went great. Two case workers came to our home and asked us many personal questions about our childhood, our marriage, how we fight, who we are, how we think, etc. For those who know me well, you can imagine that I really enjoyed this experience. A chance to sit on the couch with my husband for 3 hrs and have somebody ask us introspective questions?! Yes please!

Having never had social workers come to my home before and do a home study, it was quite the new experience. But nothing outside of what we expected. We were thankful to feel heard and understood, to have any remaining questions answered, and to get one step further in the process of bringing our precious daughter home...

And so we continue to wait with earnest expectation, trusting the Lord for strength to endure this long season ahead of us. And we wait with joy, knowing the precious jewel that waits at the end of this season...!

Home again...

After four weeks of trotting the state and the globe, we are settling back into our cozy life at home. We haven't done a blog post in many weeks, but that is because we have been updating friends and family in person! From Dallas to Amsterdam, we've had an incredibly rich four weeks celebrating life and love with loved ones near and far. It just couldn't have been a sweeter holiday season for Edgar and I! We are so very thankful. Now that we are home, however, we will try to be posting on here more often again.

We have received such a tremendous outpouring of love and support from friends and family on nearly every continent, we just hardly know what to do with ourselves. All we know to say is: THANKS! Knowing that each of you are on this journey with us until the very end gives us indescribable joy and comfort.

Of the many gifts we received for our daughter or in preparation to receive her, I was given a surprise baby shower by some dear girlfriends at our Church in Leiden, Netherlands! The International Church of Leiden was our home church for nearly 3 years, and the precious friends we made there will be in our hearts forever. Marianne Prins and several others got together and hosted a precious gathering at Liesbeth's home where they showered our little family with words and gifts of love and life! I was too busy crying to think about pictures, but thankfully dear Anne made a small summary. Enjoy the video of our Leiden Baby Shower!

Stay tuned to hear how our home study goes this Wednesday Jan 30th!

The connected child and sandpaper eyes

 

 

Over the last weeks and months, Edgar and I have been working very hard on gathering up all the necessary documentation required to proceed with our adoption. Paperwork, reading, gathering info, revealing every detail of our hearts and lives, answering questions and going through a somewhat grueling process has all been a part of this drill. While the work itself hasn't been exactly fun and sometimes makes us feel like our eyelids are made of sandpaper, it is SO REWARDING because we know the joy that awaits us on the other side of this... Our daugher. :)

 

One of the requirements has been to read chapters out of this book, The Connected Child, as well as complete a 10 hr online adoptive parenting course. We've learned so much about how to love the heart of an adopted child well, how to meet their needs and communicate effectively with them, and what we can do to help them thrive in life. All of this preparation has made us so thankful that we are being even further equiped to love this child in the best way possible!

 

And the best part is, as of tomorrow...we are DONE with most of the work on our end! Yes that's right, tomorrow afternoon (right after I finish the last 20 pages of the book...) I am driving the 3rd and final packet of paperwork/documents we have prepared to the post office. What a great Christmas gift that is for us! The next step is to have our home study completed end of January.

 

And just a quick update for those who have asked me recently, we have already generously been given 12% of our total adoption costs! Some dear sweet friends, Josh & Jess Brown are baking homemade holiday bread this week as a fundraiser for our adoption, so if you live nearby and want to order some, send an email to lilbrown7806@yahoo.com.

 

Thank you for being a part of this adoption journey with us. We couldn't make it without each of you.

~