When we have to say goodbye...

My husband Edgar and I have been married for 5 years. That’s not very long to a lot of people, but we have lived a LOT of life in these 5 years. Most young people who have been married for 5 years expect to keep growing old with each other and with their close friends and family, the people who were probably their bridesmaids and groomsmen in their wedding.

Atleast, that’s what I sure expected to happen… But it didn’t.

We have said goodbye to two of our best friends who passed away in the short years since our wedding. Beautiful Lauren Williams (farthest left) died from sudden pneumonia just a few short weeks after we got married. She breathed her last breathe on this earth so suddenly, and the funeral happened so fast I did not even have time to jump on an airplane and fly from the Netherlands back to America in time. I missed her funeral…The shock and grief ran deep into my veins. Lauren was so beautiful, so full of radiance and joy. I can still hear her musical laughter and remember her kind brown eyes.

And then a few years later, Sam Torres (also farthest left) was killed in an accident on his way to work. He was an amazing warrior-hearted man, full of the tenderness and power of the kingdom of Heaven. Sam was consumed with Jesus and with a love for the lost. But he left this earth earlier than anyone wanted him to, leaving behind a beautiful young bride. 

Sometimes I still can’t believe it… Lauren and Sam are not here on earth anymore. I miss them and love them so much…sometimes it still hurts and sometimes I still cry. Lauren was a forever soul-sister kind of friend, the kind that you stayed up until way too late just laughing and sharing hearts and dreaming and planning life together. And Sam taught me so much about the kingdom of Heaven.

If each one of my tears poured out at the feet of Jesus becomes a precious jewel to Him, then I will have an inheritance as high as the Swiss Alps, as wide as the ocean…

That’s the beautiful thing about knowing that we are creatures of eternity, not of time. If my perspective is only of this lifetime, the grief and pain of this thing we call life would absolutely overtake me. Sure it is full of joy and glory and beauty too. But the pain leaves marks on our hearts that no sunny day can take away. A lot of you know what I'm talking about... 

We go through loss, heartache, heartbreak. We have to say goodbye too soon. We watch the pain of the world, of war and famine and children dying and sometimes it all seems too much and we feel not enough. We lose our jobs and can't pay the bills. We feel cheated, lied to and left out. And we wonder why God doesn't just come and clean up this mess and make everything better...

He DOES come. But sometimes He doesn't clean up the mess... Sometimes He doesn't fix everything that's broken and make everything right again. Atleast not yet; that day IS coming though. But for today, for the messy and dirty here and now, for the present moments that can feel painful or empty, He comes and holds us and rocks us as a child in the midst of the mess. 

We just must be willing to receive Him in the way He shows up, not in the way we expect Him to show up. 

And it is in those moments when He can seem so silent. We cry out to Him and pray and lift up our needs, and sometimes it feels like He doesn't answer. 

But what is God doing in those moments? Is He as silent as He seems? I know the answer to this question might not be what you want to hear... I'm not even sure what pain you, precious reader, are experiencing. You know, we've had over 5000 people from over 20 different countries visit this blog over the last year, and each and every one of you have a story that is worth telling. 

I believe the true answer to that question is that in those moments when He seems silent and far away, He is actually closer than ever. And it is a severe mercy that He chooses to do it this way...

The theological answer is that God is always as close as our heartbeat, and technically He can't be closer at some moments than others because He never ever goes away from us. He doesn't change. We do. When pain seeps in, we have a choice to turn our hearts closer to God or choose to get bitter and angry at Him, blaming Him for not protecting us. But I have seen time and time again in my life and in many lives around me that if we make the choice to turn to Him - even when it looks like angry beating on the chest of our Daddy God - He pours out an extra measure of grace and somehow He just feels closer than our next breath. 

But the most hopeful part of it all? We are products of eternity! This is not our final home. We who are sons and daughters of God can stand with hope even in hard times because we know what the end looks like. 

"I saw Heaven and earth new-created. Gone the first Heaven, gone the first earth, gone the sea.I saw Holy Jerusalem, new-created, descending resplendent out of Heaven, as ready for God as a bride for her husband. I heard a voice thunder from the Throne: “Look! Look! God has moved into the neighborhood, making his home with men and women! They’re his people, he’s their God. He’ll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good—tears gone, crying gone, pain gone—all the first order of things gone.” The Enthroned continued, “Look! I’m making everything new. Write it all down—each word dependable and accurate.” Then he said, “It’s happened. I’m A to Z. I’m the Beginning, I’m the Conclusion. From Water-of-Life Well I give freely to the thirsty. Conquerors inherit all this. I’ll be God to them, they’ll be sons and daughters to me." Revelation 21, The Message

Refilled and refueled with hope in nothing but His grace, willing to receive His mercy however severe it may feel, we walk into another day as more than conquerors. And really, even though I still miss Lauren and Sam, I never have to say goodbye. Because I WILL see them again...