Dear Mama with the Unspeakable Void

Sometimes it seems we are profoundly unaware of the void that others carry around. Like a deep, aching well of sorrow and grief, this void is with them when they wake and when they sleep. It doesn't matter how it got there or how long its been there. It hurts. A lot. Whether the void is because of a failed marriage, betrayal, loss, death, or maybe a shattered dream or a longing not yet fulfilled, there is a grief carried inside so deep and so great that it is beyond human healing. And many of us have become masters at hiding this pain! We wear our mask to cover the tears and bury the pain so deep inside that it can even begin to feel numb... After all, life doesn't stop just because your heart is shattered. And so we move on from the painful event, coming away from it feeling somehow like less of a person...

To people who think this sounds mellow dramatic, who think that these hurting individuals need to just get up and get over their pain, get over themselves, and move on with a happy heart...can I please ask you to stop for just a moment? If you knew what it felt like, you would only have the deepest, most patient and tender compassion. You would weep with those who weep instead of pressing truth down on top of their wounds so that you only drive the thorn in deeper. Yes, truth is truth, and we serve a God who heals! who restores! who gives us beauty for ashes and mends the broken hearted. Praise God!! Our stories would be hopeless if not for Him. But the hurt must be healed supernaturally and the unspeakable void must be filled with the very person and presence of Jesus before the truth can penetrate and begin yielding life. Won't you instead be a safe place for this hurting person to open up their pain? Won't you help show them the way to the cross where the river of Blood flows and hearts are made whole? Won't you remind them again of the God of hope and restoration?

"Return to the stronghold, you prisoners of hope. Even today I declare that I will restore double to you." Zechariah 9:12

You see, I am one of those mamas with an unspeakable void in my heart. After I lost my first child, it felt like my heart had shattered into so many pieces it couldn't possibly be put back together again. But praise be to God, it did! Somehow my sweet Heavenly Father came and He gently and tenderly fashioned my heart back together, He found all the missing pieces and joined it back into one beating heart, and when I felt healed I realized my heart was even bigger than it had been! There was an extra piece that wasn't there before... My child, who had gone before me into the presence of the risen Lamb, was now a part of me. I will carry that child in my heart until the day I die when I will meet that child face to face. I saw Isaiah 61 spring to life within me.

And then it happened again... My second child left my body before I could ever look into her sweet eyes or hold her tiny hands. And on top of the raw, deep well of pain, on top of the agonizing grief of losing the child we had cried out to God for, many people said to me "don't worry, you'll get pregnant again!" or "don't worry, you're still young and have plenty of time for other children." Daily I had to forgive people, because they didn't know. They couldn't understand. These two children are priceless and irreplaceable! It's not like milk that goes bad and you just run out to the store to get another gallon. These are my children. Precious, priceless, and gone...

But not gone forever. No, my children are more alive than ever. That is one of the puzzle pieces of hope! My children live in a reality more real than the one I live in. We are here on this earth for only the blink of an eye, and then we will spend all of eternity in the Kingdom of Heaven. And my children are already there. (for those needing teaching/encouragement in this area, I've been reading "I'll Hold You In Heaven: Healing and Hope for the Parent Who Has Lost a Child" by Jack Hayford - a precious and powerful book!)

And so I press on, with a battle cry of Isaiah 54 and Psalm 34:8-10: "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; but those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing."

To any other woman out there with a void in your heart, whether you've lost a child or whether you're still longing for motherhood, I just want you to know a few things:

- You are not alone! Some days it feels like it... Some days it feels like nobody around you understands and you can hardly find the words to try and let somehow know how deep the pain and loss is. But you are not alone! A few weeks ago I read this blog, and atleast for me, hearing the stories of others who have walked a similar road brings a measure of comfort.

- Jesus really truly CAN heal your heart... He really can! I promise. I've seen it, several times before. It takes time, and it takes perseverance, but keep running to Him and pouring out your heart to Him. He won't invalidate your pain or belittle you or rush you. He will comfort you and bring supernatural healing to a place beyond human healing. And then, when the bleeding wound becomes a healed scar, you will be able to tell others what your God has done for you...

The Internationals

Sometimes when Edgar and I picture our family, in the present and in the future, we picture a miniature gathering of the United Nations... 

But you see, its not just that I am American, my husband is Dutch, we met in China, and we are adopting a little girl from Uganda, and that's all just the beginning of our family... It's also about the community around us, the people who've captured our hearts and walked with us every step of the way. We have many precious friends on nearly every continent around the world. Our blog has been viewed nearly 1400 times by people in many different countries across the globe. It humbles us deeply to know that we are loved and supported by a group of really awesome people, red and yellow, black and white! I have this picture of hands reaching out and linking arms and making a circle around the globe...

We don't really know where we're going from here. Up until this point, I couldn't have even dreamed up all that we've already walked through. There is so much about my story that doesn't make sense to my little human mind. But that's the beauty of this walk of life: it was always meant to be supernatural. But this I do know: the God who has authored every step of our journey up until now will continue to do so, and some of the sweetest love we'll ever receive from Him will come through YOU!

So thanks for joining hands with us, and letting us join hands with you. 

I just did something else I've never done before...

That's right ladies & gents, I just did something else I've never done before...! 

Edgar and I had our nearly 3-hr home study with Generations Adoptions! And it was wonderful. We felt like it went great. Two case workers came to our home and asked us many personal questions about our childhood, our marriage, how we fight, who we are, how we think, etc. For those who know me well, you can imagine that I really enjoyed this experience. A chance to sit on the couch with my husband for 3 hrs and have somebody ask us introspective questions?! Yes please!

Having never had social workers come to my home before and do a home study, it was quite the new experience. But nothing outside of what we expected. We were thankful to feel heard and understood, to have any remaining questions answered, and to get one step further in the process of bringing our precious daughter home...

And so we continue to wait with earnest expectation, trusting the Lord for strength to endure this long season ahead of us. And we wait with joy, knowing the precious jewel that waits at the end of this season...!

Home again...

After four weeks of trotting the state and the globe, we are settling back into our cozy life at home. We haven't done a blog post in many weeks, but that is because we have been updating friends and family in person! From Dallas to Amsterdam, we've had an incredibly rich four weeks celebrating life and love with loved ones near and far. It just couldn't have been a sweeter holiday season for Edgar and I! We are so very thankful. Now that we are home, however, we will try to be posting on here more often again.

We have received such a tremendous outpouring of love and support from friends and family on nearly every continent, we just hardly know what to do with ourselves. All we know to say is: THANKS! Knowing that each of you are on this journey with us until the very end gives us indescribable joy and comfort.

Of the many gifts we received for our daughter or in preparation to receive her, I was given a surprise baby shower by some dear girlfriends at our Church in Leiden, Netherlands! The International Church of Leiden was our home church for nearly 3 years, and the precious friends we made there will be in our hearts forever. Marianne Prins and several others got together and hosted a precious gathering at Liesbeth's home where they showered our little family with words and gifts of love and life! I was too busy crying to think about pictures, but thankfully dear Anne made a small summary. Enjoy the video of our Leiden Baby Shower!

Stay tuned to hear how our home study goes this Wednesday Jan 30th!

The connected child and sandpaper eyes

 

 

Over the last weeks and months, Edgar and I have been working very hard on gathering up all the necessary documentation required to proceed with our adoption. Paperwork, reading, gathering info, revealing every detail of our hearts and lives, answering questions and going through a somewhat grueling process has all been a part of this drill. While the work itself hasn't been exactly fun and sometimes makes us feel like our eyelids are made of sandpaper, it is SO REWARDING because we know the joy that awaits us on the other side of this... Our daugher. :)

 

One of the requirements has been to read chapters out of this book, The Connected Child, as well as complete a 10 hr online adoptive parenting course. We've learned so much about how to love the heart of an adopted child well, how to meet their needs and communicate effectively with them, and what we can do to help them thrive in life. All of this preparation has made us so thankful that we are being even further equiped to love this child in the best way possible!

 

And the best part is, as of tomorrow...we are DONE with most of the work on our end! Yes that's right, tomorrow afternoon (right after I finish the last 20 pages of the book...) I am driving the 3rd and final packet of paperwork/documents we have prepared to the post office. What a great Christmas gift that is for us! The next step is to have our home study completed end of January.

 

And just a quick update for those who have asked me recently, we have already generously been given 12% of our total adoption costs! Some dear sweet friends, Josh & Jess Brown are baking homemade holiday bread this week as a fundraiser for our adoption, so if you live nearby and want to order some, send an email to lilbrown7806@yahoo.com.

 

Thank you for being a part of this adoption journey with us. We couldn't make it without each of you.

~

Joyful & Blessed Mom

I am the joyful and blessed mom of three precious babies.

And yet, I'm not able to hug or kiss any of them right now. I can't wrap them up in my arms and tell them how much I love them, how special they are to me and how there's nobody in the world like them. At nighttime, I can't tuck them in and pray the sweet blessings of Jesus over them.

For you see, my first two babies are already in the presence of Jesus, singing and dancing before the throne of God. They are probably sitting on His lap right now, or playing hide-&-seek with the children of our friends who have also gone before. Or maybe my beloved grandfather has taken my children by the hand and is teaching them about the glorious flowers that grow there. You see, before our babies even had a chance to breathe their first breath on this earth, they went home to heaven. But they are loved with an everlasting love and they are precious to us!

And we now wait on our third baby, our darling little daughter from Uganda. We don't even know who she is or what her name will be. But we love her fiercely and long to bring her home to us.

Every day we live in the tension between all that God has promised us, and the circumstances we find ourselves in. We are parents who have no children in our home at this moment. There are no little feet that run around our house, no finger prints to wipe away, no spills to clean up. Sometimes at dinner, when its just Edgar & I at the table, we wipe tears from our eyes knowing that there are precious little souls who are missing. We wait for them joyfully, expectantly, with hope...

And so, though I have no person on this planet right now that calls me "mom" and runs to me to kiss their tears away and for me to swoop them up into my waiting arms, it is ok, because I AM the joyful and blessed mom of three precious babies. And many many more to come, we hope. :-)

Our Little Bird

We feel like God gave us a really fun way to celebrate and record 

the way He provides financially for us throughout this adoption process!

Here is the idea: in whatever way the Lord provides for us, whether it is through Edgar's job, through friends and family, through anonymous gifts, or however He wants to provide, we are dividing up the entire amount (which is $24,000) over the 500 pieces of this puzzle. That means each puzzle piece is worth $48. So as God provides every $48, we are going to write on the back of each puzzle piece how the money came to us! As the story of how each puzzle piece comes together, we will slowly build our puzzle and record the story of how God brings our daughter home to us! This puzzle will hang in our daughter's nursery and will be a gift to her she will treasure her entire life - she will always know the story of God's extravagant goodness towards her.

Jesus has spoken clearly to our hearts that He WILL provide every single dollar we need, and we are not to worry or be anxious, but in everything make our requests known to Him. We will not be asking for money. Period. He is already stirring hearts and we have had multiple people ask how they can donate to our adoption fund - wow, we are humbled and thankful!! We trust God to stir up a desire in people to be a part of this adventure. So we will not be asking for money but we will wait on the Lord to do His work! We want to invite you all, our dear friends and family, to partner with us in faith as a community and I believe we are all going to see God do something extraordinary to raise this $24,000!

We are researching various ways where people can donate online using a credit card, perhaps via PayPal or something similar. If there is a way that the donation can be tax deductible we will pursue that option for sure. As soon as we determine the best route, we will post it on here!

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU guys for standing with us already. We are so amazed at the goodness of God, and we are only just beginning! This is going to be such a fun adventure... :-)