I can give thanks for that.

"Autumn...the year's last, loveliest smile." 

William Cullen Bryant

Autumn...red, crisp, magical. The turning of leaves and the preparing for slumber by the earth. Golden rays light up the trees around us and leaves float to the ground like peaceful feathers. The ground seems hushed in reverent silence, bidding all the world to nestle down into deep sleep. 

Growing up I never liked fall, because it meant summer was over. And summer was my most favorite time of year. I could never seem to get enough sunshine. But times have changed... Autumn means more to me now than ever before. Perhaps I've personified autumn into a beautiful woman rich with color, wisdom and warmth and I simply enjoy her beauty and nurturing companionship.

And just like Anne of Green Gables so eloquently put it, "I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." Because my birthday is in October and I'm especially glad there was a month for me to be born in.

With autumn comes change...and with autumn comes death. 

Death?

Yes. The leaves, though they change into glorious shades of rich orange, yellow and red, the truth is: they are dying. But this death is the most beautiful kind of death, because we all know what happens after autumn gives way to a long sleepy winter. Spring always comes. Since the creation of time, the seasons have not once failed to make their full cycle.

And somehow I'm reminded of my life when I look at these lovely dying leaves. Leaves carry a certain beauty in the fullness of summertime, when they are bright and green and full of life. But I think a leaf has never been more beautiful than in the season that it must die. 

So it is with us; when the sun is shining and things are great, we can still praise the Lord and enjoy the abundance. But when the season of surrender, of testing and trying and ultimately, the season of death comes, I think the Lord looks at us like the autumn leaves. He has never seen anything more beautiful than a soul surrendered to Him, willing to die to self, die to dreams, die to desires.

One of the dreams we are having to continually surrender to Him is our adoption. We have been in the process for one and a half years and it seems like the wait that still looms ahead of us could be longer than the time we have already waited. It's frustrating and disappointing because we know there are 147 million orphans in the world right now who need to be loved and to know they are precious. We are believing in faith that we will have both biological and adopted children, and we are just bursting to lavish them with love.

It can truly feel like nothing is happening on the surface; we are still #23 on the waiting list. We've been sitting in this spot for quite a while now. Yet even though it can seem as though very little is going on, we have walked with the Lord long enough to know He is always working behind the scenes. Always. He is preparing our hearts, preparing our daughter's heart, preparing our community and our home. But still, I daily let go and die to my ideas and opinions about timing and how I think it should all go.

And though this death is ultimately incredibly beautiful and wondrous to behold, there is a pain that comes with it which strikes the deepest chords of the soul. Sometimes we wonder why God would ask us to go through it all. Why would a loving and good God, who is perfect and glorious and full of love and justice, ask us to die such a slow and painful death?

It's because He is longing to produce spring within us. 

Because through each season, the roots grow deeper and deeper and the trunk of that tree gains a new ring every year. And the harvest of death sown into the heart of God is glorious, abundant LIFE. This is a life laid at His feet in brokenness and surrender, and He calls it beautiful.

Hallelujah.

As you enjoy the rest of this beautiful autumn season, which I personally believe is the most beautiful autumn season Dallas has ever seen, take heart and remember what happens below the surface of the earth when winter comes. Though it seems eerie-silent on the surface, life is being produced deep within.

I can give thanks for that. 

{ this free thing that costs me everything }

"Though You Slay Me" by Shane & Shane 

"I come, God, I come

I return to the Lord

The one who's broken

The one who's torn me apart

You struck down to bind me up

You say You do it all in love

That I might know You in Your suffering"

Because some days I just need to know that He is there. That He is present and He is good. Some days, most days in fact, more than the blessings that He freely gives, I just want His presence... I know He is always present and always near; but some days [most days] I just long to feel Him in that tangible way. Like the warm breath of a summertime breeze on your skin... 

"Though You slay me

Yet I will praise You

Though You take from me

I will bless Your name

Though You ruin me

Still I will worship,

Sing a song to the one who's all I need"

Because some days I just need to remind my soul that He is ALL that I need... And even if I wouldn't see another sunrise or feel another gentle touch on this earth again, the love He has already demonstrated to me is more than enough. Often I must lift the cup of the blood of His covenant and eat the bread of His body that was broken for me, and I need to remind myself that I - yes, even I - was the joy that was laid before Him. 

"My heart and flesh may fail

The earth below give way

But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord

Lifted high on that day

Behold, the Lamb that was slain

And I'll know every tear was worth it all"

Because EVERY single moment of pain and suffering in the path of obedience is doing something deep in my soul. No I can't see it and sometimes I don't even feel it. It doesn't make sense and there are so many things I think I would change if I could. But I know and believe in the deepest reservoir of my spirit that as we consider it ALL joy, we learn to know Him by intimately communing with Him in the very presence of suffering.

When we choose to worship Jesus in the face of suffering, John Piper describes it as a peculiar weight of glory that is being produced and worked out within us. And so, this free thing that costs me everything: it is grace. Grace to live and move and have my being in Christ. Grace to face the day with joy and courage. Grace to get up and rejoice and worship and celebrate life. Grace freely and extravagantly poured out over you and over me. 

But even though it is free, it is not cheap; it costs me EVERYTHING. To receive the grace of God costs me my very life. It is only in death that life can be produced. It is when we bury our precious seed into the soil of surrender and trust the God of heaven and earth to water the seed and shine down with life upon it, it is in that moment of totally and completely giving all that we are and all that we have to Him...well, that is when He produces within us such glorious fruit, sparkling with the very radiance of heaven itself. The glory of God is then able to rest upon us, not for our sake alone, but that we might be laid-down lovers who in response minister His grace to a broken and wounded world. 

And it is in death, my death - not a physical death [yet] but the death of my dreams, my rights, my will - that I identify with Jesus and His death on the cross. I come to know Him, understand Him, gaze into His eyes in a deeper and more profound way than ever before. We gain a glimpse into His heart that is only possible through suffering! This alone is reason to rejoice in suffering. Because once the season of pain is over, the intimacy with Jesus will always remain. 

And this is the glory of it all: LIFE will come. We can rest assured in that! After night comes morning and after winter the spring always shows up. 

Until then, you and I must endure this season, never giving up, never losing hope. I don't know what your season looks like, but hold on and keep pressing upwards, friend. Every step towards the Throne of Grace is producing in you something so precious and beautiful. 

When we see Him face to face, 

we will not be disappointed!

It will be worth it all. 

When the devastating blow hits too close to home | Sometimes God gives us more than we can handle

You know that saying "God won't give you more than you can handle"? Well I think that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Because last week was way more than I can handle. 

- After seeing a fertility specialist, being checked out, poked and prodded from head to toe and being told that we are healthy, young and very fertile, another month came and went and I am not pregnant... That just stinks. So bad.
- We were told by our adoption agency that the wait in Uganda has only just begun... The 6 month pause (which we told you about in this post) which should have been over early October is going to continue until further notice. That is just so sad and disappointing.
- This week a $212 medical bill from April 2012 resurfaced, and despite the fact that it's a charge that doesn't even make sense and certainly isn't fair, we have to pay the bill or it will hurt our credit. And this isn't just any medical bill; it is from my second miscarriage. We are still having to pay money to cover the cost of losing our second child. Talk about timing...
- Our car had to go into the shop and it wasn't the quick fix we had hoped for. Nearly $1000 later we got our car back, and the engine smoked the whole drive home from the auto shop... Are you serious? So our trusty little VW got towed back to the shop this morning... God don't you know we are still saving up for our adoption?!
- My 89 year old grandmother was taken to the emergency room again and spent the week in the hospital because of blockage in her heart. I love her so much and grieve that she is not doing well.

To say this was a very rough week would be an understatement... 

And if you've read any of my previous blogs (which have only scratched the surface of my life story :-)) this is not exactly the first hard week of my life.

The thing is, I know that my life looks like a fairy tale compared with so many hurting ones around the world...

- I've never been sentenced to prison
- I've never been sent to a concentration camp
- I've never been sexually trafficked
- I've never been beaten or molested
- I've never known what true starvation feels like
- I've never known the pain of my dad or my husband abandoning me

And I guarantee if you ask any person who has walked through something that horrific, they would tell you that it was way more than they could handle too. The weight of the pain of this world is enough to crush the human spirit. But then Jesus steps in...

You may not even know who He is. But He knows who you are. He loves you, so much in fact that He died to buy back your life from death. Every single person was born with a one-way ticket to hell and Jesus came to earth to cancel that ticket and give us the free gift of FOREVER with Him in paradise. It is only by His grace, by the new life I received through Jesus that I can make it. And not only just make it - I can THRIVE even through suffering and sorrow and heartache, because I KNOW that my God is doing something so precious behind the scenes. And His finished work and final destination is always worth waiting for.

I can't see it now, and it certainly doesn't make sense now, but my heart is more confident than ever before in my Heavenly Father's goodness towards each and every single one of His children. He does not show partiality ("an unfair tendency to treat one person better than another"). Period. I cannot explain why things seem so unfair for so many people, but He promises it so I am choosing to trust Him and take that promise to the bank. 

Will you do that too, friend? With the things in your life that are hard and don't seem fair? You can trust Him too, I promise.

No He isn't fair and He isn't "safe" per our definition ("predictable and controllable"), but He is GOOD and He is just and He promises to work everything - absolutely EVERY thing - for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. That beautiful promise is found in Romans 8:28. We can get so tunnel-visioned, focusing on today and right here and now and this yuck we find ourselves in. But let's lift our eyes, friends! Let's focus our hearts on the big God that we serve and trust Him with our lives and stop judging God's plan for us based on one tiny snapshot moment. 

So that bit up there about "God not giving us more than we can handle"? His grace is more than enough in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9). When what we have is not enough and the cup of suffering He asks us to drink is more than we can handle on our own, it is His peace and presence and grace poured out like rain that carry us through the storm. 

I like every story to have a happy ending. Call me old fashioned or romantic, but I just do. And so here is the good news and the piece of hope that I need for today: my story DOES have a happy ending. I don't know what it is yet, and you don't know the ending to your story either. But this is the truth we need to cling to, and it is the thing that actually makes it possible to rejoice even in heartache and pain:

Our stories will have very happy endings, friends. :-) 

When we have to say goodbye...

My husband Edgar and I have been married for 5 years. That’s not very long to a lot of people, but we have lived a LOT of life in these 5 years. Most young people who have been married for 5 years expect to keep growing old with each other and with their close friends and family, the people who were probably their bridesmaids and groomsmen in their wedding.

Atleast, that’s what I sure expected to happen… But it didn’t.

We have said goodbye to two of our best friends who passed away in the short years since our wedding. Beautiful Lauren Williams (farthest left) died from sudden pneumonia just a few short weeks after we got married. She breathed her last breathe on this earth so suddenly, and the funeral happened so fast I did not even have time to jump on an airplane and fly from the Netherlands back to America in time. I missed her funeral…The shock and grief ran deep into my veins. Lauren was so beautiful, so full of radiance and joy. I can still hear her musical laughter and remember her kind brown eyes.

And then a few years later, Sam Torres (also farthest left) was killed in an accident on his way to work. He was an amazing warrior-hearted man, full of the tenderness and power of the kingdom of Heaven. Sam was consumed with Jesus and with a love for the lost. But he left this earth earlier than anyone wanted him to, leaving behind a beautiful young bride. 

Sometimes I still can’t believe it… Lauren and Sam are not here on earth anymore. I miss them and love them so much…sometimes it still hurts and sometimes I still cry. Lauren was a forever soul-sister kind of friend, the kind that you stayed up until way too late just laughing and sharing hearts and dreaming and planning life together. And Sam taught me so much about the kingdom of Heaven.

If each one of my tears poured out at the feet of Jesus becomes a precious jewel to Him, then I will have an inheritance as high as the Swiss Alps, as wide as the ocean…

That’s the beautiful thing about knowing that we are creatures of eternity, not of time. If my perspective is only of this lifetime, the grief and pain of this thing we call life would absolutely overtake me. Sure it is full of joy and glory and beauty too. But the pain leaves marks on our hearts that no sunny day can take away. A lot of you know what I'm talking about... 

We go through loss, heartache, heartbreak. We have to say goodbye too soon. We watch the pain of the world, of war and famine and children dying and sometimes it all seems too much and we feel not enough. We lose our jobs and can't pay the bills. We feel cheated, lied to and left out. And we wonder why God doesn't just come and clean up this mess and make everything better...

He DOES come. But sometimes He doesn't clean up the mess... Sometimes He doesn't fix everything that's broken and make everything right again. Atleast not yet; that day IS coming though. But for today, for the messy and dirty here and now, for the present moments that can feel painful or empty, He comes and holds us and rocks us as a child in the midst of the mess. 

We just must be willing to receive Him in the way He shows up, not in the way we expect Him to show up. 

And it is in those moments when He can seem so silent. We cry out to Him and pray and lift up our needs, and sometimes it feels like He doesn't answer. 

But what is God doing in those moments? Is He as silent as He seems? I know the answer to this question might not be what you want to hear... I'm not even sure what pain you, precious reader, are experiencing. You know, we've had over 5000 people from over 20 different countries visit this blog over the last year, and each and every one of you have a story that is worth telling. 

I believe the true answer to that question is that in those moments when He seems silent and far away, He is actually closer than ever. And it is a severe mercy that He chooses to do it this way...

The theological answer is that God is always as close as our heartbeat, and technically He can't be closer at some moments than others because He never ever goes away from us. He doesn't change. We do. When pain seeps in, we have a choice to turn our hearts closer to God or choose to get bitter and angry at Him, blaming Him for not protecting us. But I have seen time and time again in my life and in many lives around me that if we make the choice to turn to Him - even when it looks like angry beating on the chest of our Daddy God - He pours out an extra measure of grace and somehow He just feels closer than our next breath. 

But the most hopeful part of it all? We are products of eternity! This is not our final home. We who are sons and daughters of God can stand with hope even in hard times because we know what the end looks like. 

"I saw Heaven and earth new-created. Gone the first Heaven, gone the first earth, gone the sea.I saw Holy Jerusalem, new-created, descending resplendent out of Heaven, as ready for God as a bride for her husband. I heard a voice thunder from the Throne: “Look! Look! God has moved into the neighborhood, making his home with men and women! They’re his people, he’s their God. He’ll wipe every tear from their eyes. Death is gone for good—tears gone, crying gone, pain gone—all the first order of things gone.” The Enthroned continued, “Look! I’m making everything new. Write it all down—each word dependable and accurate.” Then he said, “It’s happened. I’m A to Z. I’m the Beginning, I’m the Conclusion. From Water-of-Life Well I give freely to the thirsty. Conquerors inherit all this. I’ll be God to them, they’ll be sons and daughters to me." Revelation 21, The Message

Refilled and refueled with hope in nothing but His grace, willing to receive His mercy however severe it may feel, we walk into another day as more than conquerors. And really, even though I still miss Lauren and Sam, I never have to say goodbye. Because I WILL see them again... 

One year and counting...

It was July 28, 2012 when the Lord told me - clear out of the blue - that we were to adopt. 

"Huh?!" was my eloquent response. Adopt? Now?

You see, my husband Edgar and I have a HUGE passion for adoption. We are big time advocates for the Church of Jesus Christ to open our arms to receive the last, least and littlest ones of this world, the forgotten ones that He sees. After all, adoption is exactly what God did to us. Adoption is the very basis of our faith and the heartbeat of our Father. And Edgar and I had known we were going to adopt children together before he even put a ring on my finger...

But even though my heart was bent in that direction, I still had a pretty strong will about timing and how it was all going to look. Later, I thought, once we've settled down into our family routine, had a few biological children, figured out a thing or two about parenting, THEN we would begin adoption children from all over the world and welcome them into our big and loving home.

That was not, however, what the Lord had for us. You would think that at some point we would finally begin to understand that His plans are usually somewhat - if not a whole lot! - different from ours! Instead the Lord met me one morning and said "TODAY is the day, NOW is the time." It was a step of faith, a step of obedience, a step of laying down my idea of perfect timing and trusting His still, small voice, and it was a step I'll never regret taking.

But like all acts of faith and obedience, this leap has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. Many people say "adoption is not for the faint of heart" and I am here to say, that could not be more true!! Since we began the process, the timeline has more than tripled, the costs have gone up, the paperwork has changed, and our wait is now longer than the moment we started one year ago... Not to mention the grueling process of knowing we have a precious little baby girl somewhere in Uganda who might be waiting for us, and we are here waiting for her, longing to bring her home, and sometimes the wait hurts so much I feel physical pain.

So is it still worth it? You better believe it!

Through it all, we have learned so much and seen so much of the Father Heart of God. Let me summarize just a few of the precious pearls Jesus has given our hearts along the way.

1. Just because God gives us a promise doesn't mean it will happen right away. Just to get a little vulnerable with you guys, this has been a tough one for me. God placed within me a huge mother's heart and I've been longing for motherhood since I was a small child. And when God told us to start our family, I thought we would get pregnant within just a few months. Because He promised, right? Little did I know that it would take years of waiting and two miscarriages and who knows what else to see the fulfillment of that promise.

Right now I'm reading Heidi Baker's book "Compelled by Love", and in there she writes, "When a prophetic word is spoken over your life, should you stop praying when you don't see it happening? No, of course not! You have to stay hungry and thirsty - starving like the poor who have nothing - for the things of God." There are so many Biblical examples of the people of God standing in faith and believing for the things God promised, and they had to wait and persevere a long time - sometimes even decades! - to receive the thing they were hoping for.

When God promises something, He is ALWAYS faithful to fulfill. It won't look like how we thought it should, it will cost more, take longer and probably be more painful than we imagined, but when hope is fulfilled it yields an abundant, flourishing tree of life.

2. God places us in families for a reason. We need family! We need community, support, fellowship. When our arms get tired we need them to be lifted up by those around us. And we need the privilege of serving and pouring out to each other. Edgar and I could not make this journey alone. God has shown up on our doorstep time and time again in the faces of our parents, our siblings, our nieces and nephews, our brothers and sisters in Christ, our neighbors, our bosses, our colleagues, even through the genuine smile and laugh of our mailman!

Community - authentic, real, transparent, messy, real community - is not only important, it is essential. Not a one of us can thrive long term when we travel alone. And no matter where we've gone or what continent we've lived on, we have seen the Lord faithfully and constantly provide community for us. Edgar and I have lived in 5 different homes over our 5 years of marriage and in each place we had a RICH body of fellowship. If you don't feel connected and supported, known and loved, I urge you to jump into the community of believers near you. You are too precious to live life alone! Amazingly, it is possible to be a faithful member of a church and still feel isolated and disconnected. There's a solution to this however...

For people who know us well, Edgar and I are the type that jump into wherever we are with both feet, completely abandoned to serving Jesus and building His kingdom wherever we find ourselves. Wherever there is a need, that's where we start serving. If you're feeling disconnected from rich and meaningful friendships, join a small group/Bible study and just start serving the people near you. Find a way to invest whatever you have to offer at your church. Jump in with both feet and chances are pretty soon, you will never be the same!

3. Even when it hurts, it's worth it. 

Just the thought of looking into my daughter's deep brown eyes swells my heart to overflowing with love and gratefulness and makes all the years of waiting more than worth it. But sometimes faith is not very glamorous. Instead, it's messy and dirty and even downright grueling. Yet even in that reality, Edgar and I have such a strong desire to live not only for our children, but for our children's children, and their children, for many generations to come. If by daily laying down my will, laying down my life and faithfully serving the Lord where I'm planted is the key to sowing life and blessings into future generations, then IT'S WORTH IT. If what I sow in tears my grandchildren will reap in joy, then IT'S WORTH IT. Even if I am not the one who will reap the fruit! For my children and my grandchildren's sake, I will keep pressing on, keep taking up my cross daily, keep clinging to hope and trusting the heart of Jesus, until I see His kingdom come.

No, it's not glamorous and it's not pretty, but it is oh so worth it...

And so the journey continues... Year one of this adoption process is complete, and we stand here looking at the path ahead of us that can look daunting and discouraging if I view it with human eyes. But I choose to set my heart on the prize, which is not the fulfillment of my dreams, not motherhood or children or anything on this side of heaven. My prize, my longing is JESUS Himself...and this is how I know that I will receive all that my heart longs for. 

the forces beneath the waves.

Waves. Crashing. Breaking the shoreline, again and again. Fierce, yet soft. Relentless, always rolling, crashing, again and again.

"We see the waves but not the deep currents to which they answer. Our eyes rest on results but not the forces beneath."

Water. One drop in the vast ocean. One ocean made of many drops. Time. Moment by moment to fill up a life. A lifetime filled with precious little moments. We are all swept along by the Rhythm of an ancient tide, that Relentless Rhythm...

And the drum beats on with the cry of a Warrior's heart, a zealous Lover, longing for His bride. With each wave of our lives, crashing in, washing out, He is faithful. He is there. He is moving amidst the deep currents beneath the surface, things which our eyes could never lay hold of or begin to understand.

Can we trust Him? Even in the change, even in the heartache, in the midst of storms or even when the sun shines and it seems all is well? Even, dare I say, in the mundane?

Change. We've had lots of that. We have been living in our new little townhome apartment in far north Dallas for 15 days now... A new home. And Edgar has completed his first two weeks of his job at Simpson Strong-Tie. A new job. We've begun visiting churches, waiting on the Lord to show us who our new church family will be. A new community. We just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary (pictures of us re-declaring our vows to each other again and all in the link). A new year.

A completely new season.

The waves crash on and on, and the posture of our hearts that we choose is one of surrender, of letting the Voice that calmed with wind and waves orchestrate the deep currents beneath the crashing waves we feel all around us. We are but one precious drop in His vast ocean, and we choose to submit to the way He makes the water flow. And we embrace the new adventure He has called us into!

Not that surrender is easy, or comes naturally. In fact, it is death to lay down my desires, my comfort, my will. I've come to discover I have quite a strong will and a lot of opinions of how things should be. And sometimes I choose the posture of obedience even when my heart is wanting anything but that.
Speak kindly in return for hate?
Choose forgiveness when they were horrible?
Give generously when we are in need?
Humble myself when they were wrong too?
Trust when it seems like I should take over the reigns instead?
Yes, yes the answer in Him is always yes. And He gives grace. Because He is here, right here, living in our heart, our home, our neighborhood, empowering us through His Holy Spirit. And when we choose to mirror the yes in His heart with a yes in our hearts too, the result of what once felt like death springs forth and yields an abundant harvest of LIFE in our hearts.

"The Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood." Oh, He is here friends.

We don't know what this new season will hold, what it will look like, how we will grow in it... But this we know: Jesus Christ is MORE than enough! He is our reward, and nothing less than Him will satisfy the hunger in our hearts. Everything we need is in Him. We choose to set our eyes not on the results but on the Force beneath the waves. Through every storm, through the crashing of the waves and trusting the Rhythm of Love in the deep currents beneath, we have decided to follow Jesus. And there is no turning back...

Friends, we have another announcement...!

We always know that the Lord provides our daily bread. No matter where we go, what we do, who signs our paycheck or where we call "home", it is our heavenly Father who owns the cattle on a thousand hills, who rolls back the skies and makes the thunder roar, it is He who sustains us with every breathe that we take. He pours life and rain and blessings onto our fields, and we praise Him for each and every gift. We KNOW He will provide. It's just that, sometimes it's really nice to know HOW He will provide...

Well friends, we just found out through what avenue God will be providing for us! 

In other words: EDGAR GOT A NEW JOB!!!!

It's true, and we are so thrilled and thankful! It is humbling to see His blessings and provision come, because we know that He is a gracious and generous Father who loves each and every one of His children extravagantly, and not one of us deserves a single ounce of it. But despite us and our lack of merit, He loves to love His children! We say this with deep compassion and gentleness, knowing maybe some of you are looking for work or have been out of a job for some time. Our heart's desire is to encourage your spirit, that our Father knows our needs and He promises to provide, one way or another! 

And as to the specs, we will be living in DALLAS! He will be working for a company called Simpson Strong-Tie, a company located in McKinney, Texas. Tomorrow morning Edgar and I will go finalize our new "home/townhome/apartment/we aren't sure yet" home, and we are looking in the city called The Colony. It will be so sweet to live close to my parents for the first time in our entire 5 years of marriage!

And there are many other precious ways He has been providing for us recently... Last Saturday June 8, we had a large "Adoption Fundraiser Garage Sale", raising nearly $2,000!!! With this garage sale, in combination with other gifts from friends and family, we now already have 50% of all of our expenses covered! Ohhh the tears of thankfulness for that... 

It was a total community event where we felt such an outpouring of love! With nearly 300 people showing up to shop, we had many friends donate goods for us to sell in our garage sale, freshly-baked cookies in the shape of Africa, colored pictures and a lemonade stand, grilled hot dogs, face painting, hours of pricing items in the heat of Texas summer and much more! We could not be MORE thankful to each and every one of you who helped us get one step closer to bringing our daughter home. :-)

Another HUGE and absolutely delicious blessing is our dearest friend Christie, who runs a cupcakes business out of her home called "Cupcakes for Freedom", is donating the month of June to help raise money for our adoption! She makes the most AMAZING cupcakes you've ever tasted, and we are so thankful for this delicious and generous offer to help us bring our daughter home from Uganda.

Another fun and sweet gift we received in this season was a free trip to San Francisco and Napa Valley! The company Edgar will be working for (as of July 1) sent him there for one of the interviews. I got to tag along and we had such a marvelous time together riding bikes across the Golden Gate bridge, drinking wine in Napa Valley and enjoying the beauty of God's creation. 

Perhaps one of the biggest and sweetest blessings of all was the celebration this weekend of our 5th wedding anniversary. Yesterday, June 15th, Edgar and I said "I do" 5 years ago and what a glorious and adventurous ride these 5 years have been! My ENTIRE family and several members of Edgar's family all gathered at our home to celebrate together for the whole weekend! My heart couldn't be more thankful for time with these precious ones... 

In the next blog post I will give pictures of our weekend celebration. For now, it is the eve of our vacation in Lake City, Colorado, and I need to go finish packing...! 

Much love to you all. 

We are MOVING...again.

"Even though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10

In my world, in the last few days and weeks, it feels like the mountains actually have departed and all the hills have been shaken. No, scratch that simple shaking business: they've been removed. As if the earth has melted right out from underneath my feet. That could sound incredibly frightening, or to my Dutch husband, that sounds a tad bit mellow-dramatic, but regardless of how it sounds, it's actually true! Yet the peace and joy and laughter that overflows from our hearts in the midst of this overwhelming storm tells of a God who is orchestrating every single detail around us...

So what exactly is going on over here? Well first off, I apologize for the radio silence lately. I hardly knew what to say while we were in the eye of the storm. Let me tell you about a few major updates we really want our dear friends and family to be aware of...

1. Edgar's job at Natural Composites ended. 

Yes, it's true. For the last 17 months Edgar has been employed at Natural Composites, but as of May 1 that was no longer the case. Natural Composites had to change its strategy and this required a down-size. Edgar was one of the people they had to let go. Simple as that, from one day to the next, he didn't have a job anymore. When we accepted this job offer 17 months ago, it was a calculated risk we were willing to take to join a start-up company, but we counted the cost and don't regret it for one second. 

2. The babies home we are adopting from in Uganda is pausing all international adoptions. 

Within a couple days of finding out about Edgar's job, we received this little piece of information from our adoption agency. Talk about crushing, near-devastating news to my heart! It is a slightly complicated situation but this decision is in the best interest of the precious children there. The hope is that when they begin referring babies for international adoptions again (atleast 6 months from now), the situation will be even better for everyone involved. We just don't quite know when that will be... At the moment we FINALLY finished absolutely everything we need to do on our end, and as of May 9 we got put on the waiting list of families! We are currently at the veeeerrrrrrryyyy bottom, but atleast the only place we can move forward from here is up. This is me seeing the cup half full. :-)

3. We are selling our home, and we are moving...we just don't quite know where yet. 

I know. I can hardly believe it either. But when 1+1=2, it is hard to deny the facts. College Station is a very small town in Texas, and there just isn't much of a future for Edgar's career here. After looking high and low in this town, we felt a clear direction from the Lord that the next job He has for Edgar will not be here. The only thing is, we just aren't quite sure where at this point it will be. But when Jesus says "Get out of the boat and come dance on this water with Me!" it's hard to stay sitting...

We put our house on the market May 14 and the first showing was less than 6 hours after it hit the market - woah! There were 7 showings in the first 4 days, and we got an offer on May 17. After negotiating just a tad with them over the weekend, we agreed on the home and signed the contract YESTERDAY (May 20 for those in other times zones). Somehow I can hardly believe it... Our closing date is scheduled for June 27. We are looking for new jobs in Dallas/Ft. Worth, Austin and Houston.

One month ago today, we had no idea any of these changes were about to transpire. Not even an inkling. In the early days of this month, there were so many moments when I had to calm my heart because everything around me was changing so rapidly. Down in the trenches of the moment, it almost seemed as though our world was crumbling to pieces...but when I lifted my head up and steadied my heart on the King of all Kings, it became so comfortingly clear that He was perfectly orchestrating every single detail in our lives. He continued to remind me that I need only eat from the Tree of Life and not focus on eating the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. There were and still are SO many questions and pieces of knowledge I wanted to know: what in the world is going on around us and how is all this going to work out and where is "home" and Lord are you sure you know what you're doing? But beautifully, gloriously, as we literally just sit here and soak in His presence and find our delight in Him, He is unfolding His plan day by day in PERFECT timing.

I promise I will update again much sooner this time as things continue to progress! We covet your prayers in the days to come...

"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the midst of the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! ...The Lord of Heaven's Armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress." Psalm 46 

I don't have fingerprints...

You are God's masterpiece!

Do you know that? Do you believe that?

You and I are crafted perfectly, gloriously shaped and handmade by a loving Creator, fashioned just right for His glory. Sometimes it feels to us like He made a mistake or overlooked certain things, from "why must my hair be this kinky and crazy?!" to "why does this hurt so much?" But the truth is, we ARE God's masterpieces! (Ephesians 2:10) He did not make any mistakes in us. And just like any artist molding and shaping something into being, God left His fingerprints of glory all over us. 

You can see it in the way of a smile, in radiant eyes, through the joyful laugh of a child, the tender hug of a mother, and in wrinkled old hands that tell tales of precious years gone by... 

I've been thinking a lot about fingerprints lately. A few weeks ago I went to the Bryan Detention Center where we are beginning a volunteer program through Traffick911. My fingerprints had to be taken for their standard background check, and I was astonished and slightly bewildered to discover, I don't have fingerprints! Or atleast, my fingerprints aren't deep and grooved enough to be acceptable in their system. 9 of my 10 fingers didn't show up a good enough fingerprint! Such a strange discovery to make of myself. Is it genetic? Or did I just burn my fingers one too many times while cooking? Who knows.

Shortly after I made this discovery, Edgar and I were summoned to Houston to have our fingerprints made as a part of the US government background check for our adoption! The appointment was set for early in the morning this last Monday the 8th. To be honest, I was quite curious how it would go...would they need my toe prints instead?! We made an event out of it by driving in Sunday night to stay with our amazing rockstar friends Adam & Jennifer, we even got a surprise visit from the gorgeous newlyweds Bryan & Danielle and then crashed late that night without our alarm properly set...

Oops. 

Yes, 12 minutes before we wanted to hit the road for our appointment, our hero of the day Adam knocked on our bedroom door and sent us springing into action mode. We flurried out the door (scrambled eggs in a plastic cup and all! thanks Jen!) and somehow made it on time. And the best news of all? 

Their machines work really well! I actually DO have fingerprints. :-) Not very deep ones, obviously, but after many times of trying and retrying, they finally got most of my fingerprints captured and documented. What a relief! And what a bummer: my future as a bank robber and Bible smuggler had started looking very exciting. 

On this side of eternity, I sure do have a lot more questions than answers. Many things don't make sense to my mind. That is not to belittle the smallness of the way I think, but that is just to remind myself of the bigness of the God who formed us! His ways are precious and perfect; He doesn't make mistakes. 

I don't know why I don't have good fingerprints. 

I don't know why Edgar's broken finger won't just heal and get better.

I don't know why we lost two children. 

I don't know why things take so long and the wait hurts so much. 

I don't know why hard things seem to happen all at the same time.

I don't know why people have to suffer abuse, torture, famine, hunger, death, war, disease...

But then again, I do know: because we live in a broken world crying out for a Savior to come and rescue us. And friends, He is here. He has come. He did not orchestrate the pain but He does compose and arrange the healing. So in the middle of all the questions, let's remind ourselves of all that He has done... His fingerprints of glory are everywhere we look. Take a moment to breathe in the sweet scents around you; soak in a sunset; treasure a laugh with a friend. His glory is everywhere, and even in the midst of sorrow, His fingerprints can still take your breath away...

"For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You." Psalm 139

I am a prisoner of hope

Hope.
    Disappointment.
        Joy.
            Loss.
                Faith.
                    Pain.
                        Love.
                            Life.
                                Death.

These are are the very real and very raw feelings I experience every day. How is one to keep expectation and hope alive in the midst of disappointment? How do we not let the pain of hope kill us while we stand firm and endure? How can a tender heart survive heartbreak after heartbreak and not just decide to remain in a place of being permanently shattered? Or sometimes it's not a shattered heart, but the agonizingly-slow process of the heart being continually denied the deep things it is longing for. What then?

While many around me have experienced their longing fulfilled, I remain in a place of waiting, hoping... And in fact, I've been here for a really LONG time. There are moments when I just want it to all be over, to pack up my bags and move on to a different season. I'm pretty sick and tired of this season! Being in a prison of hope is not exactly what any of us would call fun or comfortable... Many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I am so sorry you have to know. I wish you didn't. I wish none of us did.

However, I REFUSE to give up hope! I refuse to let go of the dreams God put in my heart. I cannot.  I am chained to this prison of hope. Even on the days when letting go of the dream seems like the far easier and more comfortable choice, it is just not possible because I did not come up with these dreams myself. They were God's idea; He tenderly crafted and placed each longing and desire into the deepest places of my heart. Giving up the dream of having a nice car or more expensive jewelry would be a piece of cake. But the longings that first found their origin in God's heart are forever a part of my heart now. 

After all, He thought up family. It was His idea! And I love that idea. He wanted a family of His own. God WANTED children. He wanted sons and daughters. He wanted a bride for His firstborn Son. To create a home where His sons and daughters could live forever in a loving relationship with Him was His beautiful plan. And those dreams are forever etched into my heart. And yours too. The longing and desire for a soul mate, a husband or wife to walk through the seasons of life together with is a GOOD desire! To yearn for children to love and nurture and pour your very heart into is a priceless yearning.

These are beautiful longings, because they are God's longings. 

Easter is right around the corner, as most of you know. To be uncomfortably honest, Easter isn't exactly my most favorite time of the year... Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for all that Jesus suffered on behalf of my sin and for all that He won on the cross for me! It's just that, in 2011 I found out the day after Easter that my precious child had died inside of me. Even though there had been a heartbeat just a few weeks before, there was no longer a heartbeat to be heard. And then in 2012, surrounded by my entire precious family, I passed the body of our second child on Good Friday. How appropriate right? Death once again became a very grave reality in my world.

"Death is swallowed up in victory! O death, where is your sting? O hell, where is your victory?" (1 Cor. 15:55) Oh friends, Jesus came to swallow death and the grave! He came to give us life! There is hope beyond the grave, there is an anchor to fix our souls, because He conquered sin and death and hell and He rose again victorious! He is stronger than death, and He has overcome! That is more than enough for us, friends. He is why we can keep on hoping...and He is why we know that one day we WILL receive the fulfillment of our longing. This song called "Stronger" can be our anthem...

And so now it is almost Easter 2013.  I have a different kind of pregnancy this year, not inside my womb but inside my heart. We don't know how long this pregnancy will take. A dear friend recently told me adoption could be compared to the gestation period of an elephant, which takes about 2 years. After I swallowed the thought of being compared to an elephant, this was a comforting analogy!

No matter how long it takes, I will keep hoping until ALL my children - biological and adopted - have safely arrived in my arms. 

"I Wished for You"

Most days I find healing and freedom in sharing from the depths of my heart's journey and helping shepherd the hearts of those I love through the ups and downs of life. Some days, however, I just want to kick back and watch a movie. You too? Ok good! Then today I'd like to invite you to have a look at a 6 minute and 30 second movie that moved my soul deeply and brought fresh tears to my eyes. I hope you like it as much as I do. Feel free to pop some popcorn while you sit back and enjoy the film... ;-)

 "I Like Adoption" 

Isn't that the most precious and moving thing you've ever seen?? Gosh it gets me every time... 

A few weeks ago Edgar and I went to an adoption conference in Houston hosted by Together For Them. It was a spectacular day that far exceeded our expectations. After all, if you've never been to an adoption conference, you're not quite sure what to expect... But in every way, we felt blessed, honored, further equipped and encouraged. It was also really fun to meet other families who have adopted from Uganda through Generations Adoptions! This was the one photo we remembered to take of the day:

At this conference, we purchased several children's story books about adoption. I thought we were buying them for our future children, but they touched my heart deeply and each one brought me to tears. My favorite book is called "I Wished for You". And oh how true that is. :)

We also have an exciting announcement to make: we are now right at 20% of our total adoption costs! Through friends and family and provision of Edgar's job, the Lord has already provided the first 1/5 of our total expenses. We are thrilled and thankful! In fact, it gets even cooler: this week we submitted our entire packet to the US government (the USCIS form, for those interested) and the cost for submitting this form is $890. Guess how much we had left in our adoption account...?? You guessed it. $890! The Lord's provision is so perfect and we are continuing to trust him for the next 4/5!

These next couple of days it will be my project to open an account with LifeSong for Orphans so that those who have asked about giving online via a credit card (for tax purposes in the US), here is where you will be able to go once we get the account set up. We hardly know what to say except thank you, thank you, from the bottom of our hearts...

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above 

all that we ask or think, 

according to the power that works in us, 

to Him be glory in the Church by Christ Jesus 

to ALL GENERATIONS, forever and ever. Amen!"

Ephesians 3:20-21

Dear Mama with the Unspeakable Void

Sometimes it seems we are profoundly unaware of the void that others carry around. Like a deep, aching well of sorrow and grief, this void is with them when they wake and when they sleep. It doesn't matter how it got there or how long its been there. It hurts. A lot. Whether the void is because of a failed marriage, betrayal, loss, death, or maybe a shattered dream or a longing not yet fulfilled, there is a grief carried inside so deep and so great that it is beyond human healing. And many of us have become masters at hiding this pain! We wear our mask to cover the tears and bury the pain so deep inside that it can even begin to feel numb... After all, life doesn't stop just because your heart is shattered. And so we move on from the painful event, coming away from it feeling somehow like less of a person...

To people who think this sounds mellow dramatic, who think that these hurting individuals need to just get up and get over their pain, get over themselves, and move on with a happy heart...can I please ask you to stop for just a moment? If you knew what it felt like, you would only have the deepest, most patient and tender compassion. You would weep with those who weep instead of pressing truth down on top of their wounds so that you only drive the thorn in deeper. Yes, truth is truth, and we serve a God who heals! who restores! who gives us beauty for ashes and mends the broken hearted. Praise God!! Our stories would be hopeless if not for Him. But the hurt must be healed supernaturally and the unspeakable void must be filled with the very person and presence of Jesus before the truth can penetrate and begin yielding life. Won't you instead be a safe place for this hurting person to open up their pain? Won't you help show them the way to the cross where the river of Blood flows and hearts are made whole? Won't you remind them again of the God of hope and restoration?

"Return to the stronghold, you prisoners of hope. Even today I declare that I will restore double to you." Zechariah 9:12

You see, I am one of those mamas with an unspeakable void in my heart. After I lost my first child, it felt like my heart had shattered into so many pieces it couldn't possibly be put back together again. But praise be to God, it did! Somehow my sweet Heavenly Father came and He gently and tenderly fashioned my heart back together, He found all the missing pieces and joined it back into one beating heart, and when I felt healed I realized my heart was even bigger than it had been! There was an extra piece that wasn't there before... My child, who had gone before me into the presence of the risen Lamb, was now a part of me. I will carry that child in my heart until the day I die when I will meet that child face to face. I saw Isaiah 61 spring to life within me.

And then it happened again... My second child left my body before I could ever look into her sweet eyes or hold her tiny hands. And on top of the raw, deep well of pain, on top of the agonizing grief of losing the child we had cried out to God for, many people said to me "don't worry, you'll get pregnant again!" or "don't worry, you're still young and have plenty of time for other children." Daily I had to forgive people, because they didn't know. They couldn't understand. These two children are priceless and irreplaceable! It's not like milk that goes bad and you just run out to the store to get another gallon. These are my children. Precious, priceless, and gone...

But not gone forever. No, my children are more alive than ever. That is one of the puzzle pieces of hope! My children live in a reality more real than the one I live in. We are here on this earth for only the blink of an eye, and then we will spend all of eternity in the Kingdom of Heaven. And my children are already there. (for those needing teaching/encouragement in this area, I've been reading "I'll Hold You In Heaven: Healing and Hope for the Parent Who Has Lost a Child" by Jack Hayford - a precious and powerful book!)

And so I press on, with a battle cry of Isaiah 54 and Psalm 34:8-10: "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; but those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing."

To any other woman out there with a void in your heart, whether you've lost a child or whether you're still longing for motherhood, I just want you to know a few things:

- You are not alone! Some days it feels like it... Some days it feels like nobody around you understands and you can hardly find the words to try and let somehow know how deep the pain and loss is. But you are not alone! A few weeks ago I read this blog, and atleast for me, hearing the stories of others who have walked a similar road brings a measure of comfort.

- Jesus really truly CAN heal your heart... He really can! I promise. I've seen it, several times before. It takes time, and it takes perseverance, but keep running to Him and pouring out your heart to Him. He won't invalidate your pain or belittle you or rush you. He will comfort you and bring supernatural healing to a place beyond human healing. And then, when the bleeding wound becomes a healed scar, you will be able to tell others what your God has done for you...

The Internationals

Sometimes when Edgar and I picture our family, in the present and in the future, we picture a miniature gathering of the United Nations... 

But you see, its not just that I am American, my husband is Dutch, we met in China, and we are adopting a little girl from Uganda, and that's all just the beginning of our family... It's also about the community around us, the people who've captured our hearts and walked with us every step of the way. We have many precious friends on nearly every continent around the world. Our blog has been viewed nearly 1400 times by people in many different countries across the globe. It humbles us deeply to know that we are loved and supported by a group of really awesome people, red and yellow, black and white! I have this picture of hands reaching out and linking arms and making a circle around the globe...

We don't really know where we're going from here. Up until this point, I couldn't have even dreamed up all that we've already walked through. There is so much about my story that doesn't make sense to my little human mind. But that's the beauty of this walk of life: it was always meant to be supernatural. But this I do know: the God who has authored every step of our journey up until now will continue to do so, and some of the sweetest love we'll ever receive from Him will come through YOU!

So thanks for joining hands with us, and letting us join hands with you.