Hope.
Disappointment.
Joy.
Loss.
Faith.
Pain.
Love.
Life.
Death.
These are are the very real and very raw feelings I experience every day. How is one to keep expectation and hope alive in the midst of disappointment? How do we not let the pain of hope kill us while we stand firm and endure? How can a tender heart survive heartbreak after heartbreak and not just decide to remain in a place of being permanently shattered? Or sometimes it's not a shattered heart, but the agonizingly-slow process of the heart being continually denied the deep things it is longing for. What then?
While many around me have experienced their longing fulfilled, I remain in a place of waiting, hoping... And in fact, I've been here for a really LONG time. There are moments when I just want it to all be over, to pack up my bags and move on to a different season. I'm pretty sick and tired of this season! Being in a prison of hope is not exactly what any of us would call fun or comfortable... Many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I am so sorry you have to know. I wish you didn't. I wish none of us did.
However, I REFUSE to give up hope! I refuse to let go of the dreams God put in my heart. I cannot. I am chained to this prison of hope. Even on the days when letting go of the dream seems like the far easier and more comfortable choice, it is just not possible because I did not come up with these dreams myself. They were God's idea; He tenderly crafted and placed each longing and desire into the deepest places of my heart. Giving up the dream of having a nice car or more expensive jewelry would be a piece of cake. But the longings that first found their origin in God's heart are forever a part of my heart now.
After all, He thought up family. It was His idea! And I love that idea. He wanted a family of His own. God WANTED children. He wanted sons and daughters. He wanted a bride for His firstborn Son. To create a home where His sons and daughters could live forever in a loving relationship with Him was His beautiful plan. And those dreams are forever etched into my heart. And yours too. The longing and desire for a soul mate, a husband or wife to walk through the seasons of life together with is a GOOD desire! To yearn for children to love and nurture and pour your very heart into is a priceless yearning.
Easter is right around the corner, as most of you know. To be uncomfortably honest, Easter isn't exactly my most favorite time of the year... Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for all that Jesus suffered on behalf of my sin and for all that He won on the cross for me! It's just that, in 2011 I found out the day after Easter that my precious child had died inside of me. Even though there had been a heartbeat just a few weeks before, there was no longer a heartbeat to be heard. And then in 2012, surrounded by my entire precious family, I passed the body of our second child on Good Friday. How appropriate right? Death once again became a very grave reality in my world.
"Death is swallowed up in victory! O death, where is your sting? O hell, where is your victory?" (1 Cor. 15:55) Oh friends, Jesus came to swallow death and the grave! He came to give us life! There is hope beyond the grave, there is an anchor to fix our souls, because He conquered sin and death and hell and He rose again victorious! He is stronger than death, and He has overcome! That is more than enough for us, friends. He is why we can keep on hoping...and He is why we know that one day we WILL receive the fulfillment of our longing. This song called "Stronger" can be our anthem...
And so now it is almost Easter 2013. I have a different kind of pregnancy this year, not inside my womb but inside my heart. We don't know how long this pregnancy will take. A dear friend recently told me adoption could be compared to the gestation period of an elephant, which takes about 2 years. After I swallowed the thought of being compared to an elephant, this was a comforting analogy!
Disappointment.
Joy.
Loss.
Faith.
Pain.
Love.
Life.
Death.
These are are the very real and very raw feelings I experience every day. How is one to keep expectation and hope alive in the midst of disappointment? How do we not let the pain of hope kill us while we stand firm and endure? How can a tender heart survive heartbreak after heartbreak and not just decide to remain in a place of being permanently shattered? Or sometimes it's not a shattered heart, but the agonizingly-slow process of the heart being continually denied the deep things it is longing for. What then?
While many around me have experienced their longing fulfilled, I remain in a place of waiting, hoping... And in fact, I've been here for a really LONG time. There are moments when I just want it to all be over, to pack up my bags and move on to a different season. I'm pretty sick and tired of this season! Being in a prison of hope is not exactly what any of us would call fun or comfortable... Many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I am so sorry you have to know. I wish you didn't. I wish none of us did.
However, I REFUSE to give up hope! I refuse to let go of the dreams God put in my heart. I cannot. I am chained to this prison of hope. Even on the days when letting go of the dream seems like the far easier and more comfortable choice, it is just not possible because I did not come up with these dreams myself. They were God's idea; He tenderly crafted and placed each longing and desire into the deepest places of my heart. Giving up the dream of having a nice car or more expensive jewelry would be a piece of cake. But the longings that first found their origin in God's heart are forever a part of my heart now.
After all, He thought up family. It was His idea! And I love that idea. He wanted a family of His own. God WANTED children. He wanted sons and daughters. He wanted a bride for His firstborn Son. To create a home where His sons and daughters could live forever in a loving relationship with Him was His beautiful plan. And those dreams are forever etched into my heart. And yours too. The longing and desire for a soul mate, a husband or wife to walk through the seasons of life together with is a GOOD desire! To yearn for children to love and nurture and pour your very heart into is a priceless yearning.
These are beautiful longings, because they are God's longings.
Easter is right around the corner, as most of you know. To be uncomfortably honest, Easter isn't exactly my most favorite time of the year... Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for all that Jesus suffered on behalf of my sin and for all that He won on the cross for me! It's just that, in 2011 I found out the day after Easter that my precious child had died inside of me. Even though there had been a heartbeat just a few weeks before, there was no longer a heartbeat to be heard. And then in 2012, surrounded by my entire precious family, I passed the body of our second child on Good Friday. How appropriate right? Death once again became a very grave reality in my world.
"Death is swallowed up in victory! O death, where is your sting? O hell, where is your victory?" (1 Cor. 15:55) Oh friends, Jesus came to swallow death and the grave! He came to give us life! There is hope beyond the grave, there is an anchor to fix our souls, because He conquered sin and death and hell and He rose again victorious! He is stronger than death, and He has overcome! That is more than enough for us, friends. He is why we can keep on hoping...and He is why we know that one day we WILL receive the fulfillment of our longing. This song called "Stronger" can be our anthem...
And so now it is almost Easter 2013. I have a different kind of pregnancy this year, not inside my womb but inside my heart. We don't know how long this pregnancy will take. A dear friend recently told me adoption could be compared to the gestation period of an elephant, which takes about 2 years. After I swallowed the thought of being compared to an elephant, this was a comforting analogy!
No matter how long it takes, I will keep hoping until ALL my children - biological and adopted - have safely arrived in my arms.
I love you Mel,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I know it will all serve a divine purpose one day... Untill then I am with you in spirit and prayer.
kisses and the longest, firmest hug from Joyce
(you know, the one from the Netherlands ;))